5 steps to become the perfect douchbag

5 steps to become the perfect douchbag

I noticed a lot of women today date douchebags. Why do they stay with them? I have no idea. Perhaps they do not know that they are dating douchebags. Perhaps the men do not realize that they are themselves douchebags. This article hopefully will help women identify douchebags and avoid them. I also hope that it will help douchebags become self-aware and make serious life changes or just skydive without a parachute.

Be careful. Douchebags are running rampant in every sports bar, college town, and white suburban neighborhood. Avoid them at all costs. Or rabbit punch them in the neck. If you feel any burgeoning desire to become a douchebag, however, merely follow these 5 steps:


If you are going to be a douche, you need to be identified right away. Wear trendy brand name shirts like Tap Out, Affliction, or Ed Hardy. Actually just never wear collared shirts; professionalism and looking clean is for nerds. Also never trim your facial hair and have a cheap haircut, preferably in a style that resembles a troll-doll or anything else that hasn’t been fashionable for over ten years. Massive amounts of hair gel is optional.

For extra points, wear a snapback hat. Don’t brush your teeth too often either. Don’t forget to get a tribal tattoo sleeve down AT LEAST down one arm, that way people can clearly identify you as not only having never travelled, but following trends without blinking, either.


Looks are half the battle. In order to be a douche, you have to be an alpha male. Constantly make fun of your friends and be vengeful if they retort. Go to the gym and tan as often as you can or do the opposite by doing nothing but eating, getting high, and playing video games. Remove common courtesies from your actions; remove please and thank you from your vocabulary and replace it with the abbreviation “bro”. Walk down a corridor in the middle so no-one will be able to get past and then complain when people bump into you. Just be a complete dick to everyone you meet. Start a lot of fights.


Why drive when you can make your girlfriend do it for you? Hell, you don’t even have to be in the car, just make her run errands for you. Abuse her verbally and sometimes physically to remind her of her place. Never forget how funny making a sandwich jokes are. If she makes a request or disagrees with you, ask her if she’s on her period.

Scoff when she mentions feminism. Cheat on her. Show your friends and the internet her nude pictures. Make her cook for you. Never pay for anything. Have at least five girlfriends at the same time. Sleep with taken/married women. Treat every woman that you interact with as if they were a piece of meat—nothing more than cattle.


Throw your trash anywhere but a garbage can, people get paid to clean up that shit – make ‘em work for it. Give a middle finger to the hippies and polar bears by driving a gas guzzling SUV and take up as many spaces as possible when you park. When you drink, be sure to binge drink and throw around racial slurs like they are going out of style, because political correctness has gone too far. Be a compulsive liar so you sound more interesting. Chain smoke and break other people’s stuff. Never apologize and to hell with consequences!


Laugh when people fail. Constantly remind people that you are ALWAYS right about everything. Think how can this situation help me? Hit friends unnecessarily, order the cheapest and girliest drink while out and start a fight with anyone who questions it. Get a boring job that gives you a few dollars to have an unfulfilled Saturday night out with your friends so you can spend Sunday showing off how drunk you were on social media. Get somebody pregnant, have a child that you raise badly. Repeat the cycle.

This Post Has One Comment

  1. I love it! Sarcasm mixed with truth!

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